Have you ever had a conversation with a friend, a sibling, or a parent about a specific event that you remember one way and they remember it completely differently? A couple of years ago I was sitting with my sister at lunch and she was telling me how everyone in our family used to dote over me, that I was “so cute,” and that everyone gave me so much attention when I was a baby. First of all, wait, what? This was a total shock to me because the narrative I had been carrying around with me about my early childhood was that I was kind of invisible and neglected. I am the youngest of seven kids and some of my siblings were teenagers when I was born – there was so much going on around me, and honestly, for some reason I remembered feeling very alone.
This story I had constructed about my childhood – was there room for more?
One of the basic tenets of narrative therapy is that reality is socially constructed – in other words, there really is no “objective reality,” that what is true for us may not be true for someone else – and that is okay, that is normal, that is life. What actually matters is what we think, and how we are affected by our stories.
Why is so much emphasis is put on stories in narrative therapy, and why do our stories matter?
Throughout history, stories have had immense power to shape cultures, institutions, families, and individuals. Stories really, in so many ways, rule the world. And because there are so many ways to tell a story, narratives are constantly competing for dominance both in the world and in our personal lives.
Unfortunately, too often the stories that are told in our society benefit small groups of privileged individuals, which is why telling all of our stories is of utmost importance. It seems, as a society, we are getting slightly better at honoring everyone’s stories, but we have so much more to do. To see what I mean, watch the ted talk in the references below.
I digress. Back to you and your story – and why your personal story matters
Just as dominant stories have the power to influence the narrative of whole societies, the dominant stories in your own life also have immense power to influence how you feel about yourself.
The stories you carry with you about your history, your worth, your identity, and your purpose have the power to influence the trajectory of your life. Often the stories you carry are very problem-saturated. If you have experienced trauma, you may have adopted stories about yourself that are not only untrue but harmful to your sense of self and self-esteem.
Telling your story can help you make sense of your life, find meaning, and heal from past experiences.
By telling your story in therapy you will have an opportunity to gain a broader perspective on your experiences. Notice I say broader perspective, not different perspective. The goal is not to reframe your experience and simply turn it into something positive, but to take your story and make it bigger, adding in moments that maybe you have forgotten. For example, remembering moments when you felt safe, loved, or happy. Moments that showed you how strong you are, moments when the problem had less power over you.
By expanding on your story, you will be able to let go of ideas about yourself that make you feel small, unimportant, afraid, or flawed. By recognizing how strong you have been, how strong you are, and how you have survived so many hard things – you will come to realize that:
You are the hero of your story.
The process of exploring and expanding your experiences through storytelling is called “re-authoring” or “re-storying,” and it is a powerful way to help you move forward in your life in a way that puts you in a more empowered state of being.
And, there are so many ways to tell your story!
Storytelling does not have to only include verbal sharing (although that can also be enough!). Depending on your interests, you may want to illustrate your story through art, journaling, music, movement, or anything else we can come up with that would be meaningful for you. Actually writing your story down in a mini-biography can be a powerful way to really examine your life, deconstruct what you have been through, and decide what you want your story to look like going forward.
What do I mean by “deconstruct”?
Deconstructing involves breaking down your problems into smaller, more manageable chunks while getting to the core issues that are affecting the way you are conceptualizing and dealing with your challenges. Sometimes what you are going through can seem really big and overwhelming – like it’s just too much. By looking at your story in smaller parts, life can seem much less overwhelming, allowing you to impact change in your life in incremental ways.
Is re-authoring your story enough?
That is an excellent question – sometimes it is! The insight you gain through exploring your story in therapy can go a long way toward understanding how you have been affected by stories about yourself, stories in your family, stories in your community, and stories in the culture you are living in. When you understand how all of these stories have impacted you while emphasizing your sparkling moments and incredible strengths, you can begin to let go of some of the negative impact that your stories have had on you until now.
For example, after my conversation with my sister, I began to reflect on my own story. I looked at old pictures of our family, and really thought about what it was like growing up in our house. Honestly, I had a pretty fun childhood. I was young when parents still let their kids run the neighborhood and I had a lot of freedom. Our house was full of people and my older sister spent a lot of time playing with me. I had friends, went to school, and although I suffered with anxiety and depression especially in my teenage years, it wasn’t all bad and in a lot of ways, I was very lucky.
Our stories don’t have to be all good or all bad – there is room for both.
And sometimes it is difficult to remember that – especially when we are still feeling the effects of our childhood experiences. Yes, life is so hard sometimes, and we go through terrible things … AND there are sparkling moments – we just have to take some time once in a while to remember them and add them to our narrative about our lives.
So, is re-authoring our stories enough?
Sometimes! But not always – sometimes we need more. Which is why I work with attachment theory, trauma informed mind and body work, mindfulness, and other modalities and techniques depending on the unique needs of every client.
If you would like to explore your story, get creative, and work on building a solid sense of self – contact me. I would love to jump into your story with you!
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